Why does the sun go on shining?
Why does the sea rush to shore?
Don’t they know it’s the end of the world
‘Cause you don’t love me anymore?
Why do the birds go on singing?
Why do the stars glow above?
Don’t they know it’s the end of the world
It ended when I lost your love

I wake up in the morning and I wonder
Why everything is the same as it was
I can’t understand, no, I can’t understand
How life goes on the way it does
Why does my heart go on beating?
Why do these eyes of mine cry?
Don’t they know it’s the end of the world?
It ended when you said goodbye
Don’t they know it’s the end of the world?
It ended when you said goodbye

(By the Carpenters; Songwriters: Moore, Gary.)

I woke up, with a heavy heart, this song ringing in my head. It has been a dreadful season of drought at the lowest valley of my soul, being awakened and challenged in almost every area in my life for the last three years. It was kind of a special Sunday because I was preparing myself for a business meeting on Sabbath day-the Annual General Meeting. I felt inadequate as a member of the Board-we gave and did our best but maybe, it was just not enough. There were too many things, I felt, could have been done better. There were too many things in my life, I felt, could have been done better.

Yes, this is not a debrief for a meeting, a day, or just a role that could have been better. This is about how far I have come around, to be where I am, believing I am loved by our Father and pining with a Hope, given for a new beginning to an end of the mysterious misery in life yet, fighting, with my own flesh, against much fear and insecurities, as I wait. It is the clarity of a tension so great, that exist to bring pain and more pain, knowing how ugly and weak our flesh is, the more we seek God’s face.

Habakkuk 3:19 ESV “God , the Lord, is my strength; he makes my feet like the deer’s; he makes me tread on my high places. To the choirmaster: with stringed instruments.” For some reasons, tears just rolled down uncontrollably down my cheeks as this verse fell on me like a dead weight. I did not want to have feet like the deer’s, I did not see how I can tread and with all the deadlines nearing and uncertainties ahead, I cannot see my high places. I felt like my knees were giving way, my world collapsing into sinking sand and my feet could feel no more ground. I felt totally defeated. I was not even comforted and did not feel strengthened as I claimed that God is my strength. It was getting harder than I had expected. I thought I had already been through the toughest times. Maybe I had and I did believe that God has prepared me for this journey, this long and whiny journey. Maybe the knowing is too much, the knowledge I had, have caused more pain than to bring comfort. Maybe I had it all wrong and know not what is to come. Maybe, just maybe. 

Days and weeks have gone by, deadlines even nearing and uncertainties ahead are smacking right on my face. The chorus just keeps ringing in my head, relentlessly, swallowing my soul.

“… It ended when you said goodbye.”

His beautiful & relentless love makes a soul relentlessly beautiful.