My fuse blew once again. Angered by how situations were not in control and agonized at how helpless I needed to be in the same plight that has been replaying over and over in my life. I had this crazy urge to murder. I wished we could have been more cordial living under one roof. I have been so frustrated because it was one woman’s choice to remarry a man who is constantly struggling to find a place for himself wherever he is and we have to all live in fear with the outbursts out of his insecurities. Well, who is without an insecurity? But do we all have the right to slash it out on others as and when we like? Weeks passed by like a wink but my emotions were on a long roller-coaster ride and it seemed to be taking a toil on my mental and physical health more than I had expected. I could not sleep nor eat well. Mother’s day came and gone, I could send well-wishes and even pray prayer of blessings for the mothers around but I couldn’t even look at my own mother! I feel so sad for her and her life everytime I think about it but there is almost nothing I could do for her to change anything.
From being angry, I became disgusted with who I am becoming when I claimed to be a child of God. I was tempted to attack, to kill. Many times, I wished the enemy could just die. I did not even consider much about practicing the virtue of filial piety or to honor my parents according to God’s Word. I was plagued by the same fear and rejection I had suffered all my life when I thought it was over and done with because I believe Jesus is alive. I thought I have come away from knowing that undesirable situations may occur over and again but God is in control and I just need to trust. I was so cornered by the pain and fear that I could barely rest my head to fall asleep before I jumped back up again to check that things were still alright. I could function only fifty percent at most when I was supposedly awake. We claimed the victorious life that we can have because Jesus has won the race but why am I living in such a pathetic state? I kept asking myself what have I been missing out here? If this is what our faith is all about, do I still want it? Do I still need it?
I would like to think that if we are a follower of Christ, being able to sleep through the storms in our lives like Jesus did (Matthew 8:23-27) should be what we can do too? As much as Jesus is 100% God, He was 100% Man. Isn’t that supposed to tell us how we can imitate Him in trusting our Father that He is in control? I started to doubt–maybe, I am just not good enough. I am just not good.
It is painful to be living in the shadows of fear. It is more painful to not live the life that it is supposed to be as a child of God. I behaved like an orphan, a Fatherless child, continuously allowing rejection to shame and pain me. I feel ashamed for not being able to live up to the standard, not walk the talk. I felt so helpless, I wanted to just give it all up, so many times, to just succumb to the temptation of darkness, to walk away from everything. I was obsessed with trying to find the connection between my faith and my reality again. After weeks of turmoil, I looked and was, down in the dumps. The fight deep within was as real as it used to be for the weeks that had passed by very quickly, then, it took a turn. It seems to be something different this time. Something new, something only God can be the One orchestrating it. I am a problem-solver–I cannot tolerate issues left unresolved and allow the feeling of helplessness torment me. The craziest challenge that I had for the last few weeks wasn’t about finding a resolution and settling the matter once and for all but the frustration with my faith, doubting my relationship with God, allowing myself to feel weak and rejected yet not spiraling down into the pit of darkness. Out of this weakness, I found strength in remembering who God is, where God had been with me, the victories God had given me in my life–a sense of story, His Story. He has given me a story as part of His Story and allowing me to learn to trust and find my confidence in being His child.
In this time of searching, it also came to my realization that I actually hated my mother so much. It was a horrible feeling to see so clearly how ugly my inner being can be-for not even able to be a daughter for my earthly parents according to God’s commandments. Perhaps, this is what M. Denis de Rougemont meant when he said “love ceases to be a demon only when he ceases to be god”. I claimed to love yet my love has become god itself for me to commit more crimes. Strangely, instead of letting the feeling of disgust and guilt bring more condemnation to my self-worth and let darkness swallow me up once again, I was able to see this woman, my mother, in another light. It strikes me that she is only going to be my mother for as long as we each shall live on this earth. She has probably failed big time in this role as my mother but she is first a daughter of God and Jesus calls us brothers and sisters in some occasion and friends in John 15:15–that makes us friends from now til eternity. I have failed big time too, as her daughter (I mean, which daughter blatantly admits and find good reasons in hating their own mother?). With this new light, maybe we can be friends, no strings-attached, just friends. Not just friends on earth, but friends of God. I have no idea how this is going to work out in reality but this revelation can only be possible in the presence of Light in my life. Without the Truth, I can never come up with any of these.
He’s been so, so good to me. His love is relentless. His pursue has carried and left me with nothing else but in awe. Even in the state of helplessness, I am reminded of the Hope He has given us and just a glimpse of His goodness, to think of where I would be, to count my blessings for the things He has given me–I can only be where I am if not for Him.
I will live my life in remembrance–for the Love of God, with the leadership of Jesus, by the empowerment of the Spirit.
(Featured image, courtesy of https://tinyurl.com/Mortalsnaps : Tanjung Balau Beach, Johor Bahru, Malaysia; March 2019)
His beautiful & relentless love makes a soul relentlessly beautiful.