For the longest time, it was a memory that I had been wanting to erase from my mind. There was this image of me when I was probably only five, crying uncontrollably and it was dark all around. The pain was excruciating and the most dreadful part was it felt like no one had heard or seen me even when I was wailing my lungs and crying my heart out. This memory came back to me as and when, like a plague, suffocated me when I fell into the darkest moments in life with failures and rejection flooding my world. It always felt like there was no return.
We can be who we are tomorrow because of who we are today and who we are today is who we were yesterday. I believe they are all linked. We hope to erase especially memories that bring nothing but pain and regrets. However, we cannot deny our past regardless of how undesirable the consequences may have become. I believe there is power in our stories because the Author of Life had so written them for us. Each story plays a part in the greater symphony that He is orchestrating.
A pretty rough year ended and as I hastily stepped into the new year and looked back, I realized how badly wounded I was. The spirit of darkness engulfed as I allowed discouragement and disappointment to swallow me. The same nightmare from old days came creeping in and haunted me. I was held hostage once again, helplessly watching the crying kid wailing and wailing in pain. However, it was different this time. The sound of the crying & wailing was still as piercing as it was and I was drowning in misery but it took just a moment of realization, the light came on and I was awakened to surrealism that I was not alone and there was a familiar presence who was also grieving with me. He saw my pain and it was comforting enough to know. I was reminded once again, the all-knowing God who is the Almighty King is also the Abba Father who had held my tiny hand with assurance to walk with Him in His garden. The Author of Life rewrote my story. I am no longer a slave to the nightmare that had haunted me almost all my life.
God not only rewrote my story for me but by His grace, He allowed me to witness His greatness unfolding in another story of His precious child. She grew up, now a teenager, in confusion, believing God is the Almighty King but allowed misfortune to befall on her since birth. Circumstances beyond her control had put her to see God with fear and at times, in resentment. She couldn’t understand how would God let her suffer in injustice without recompense and thinking she was always of the lesser or her existence could even be a punishment from God. It plagued not only her but her family, living in fear, crippled by doubts and guilt, setting them far from being able to embrace God’s goodness to the fullest. We had a chat, she was pouring out a little and asking deep questions of who God is and all. Tears from years of living in a place of confusion were welling up in her eyes. We can find some sound doctrine, trying to correct warped perspectives but there was nothing pretty much that could be said to bring comfort. We prayed. It was definitely the presence of the Holy Spirit that made that moment of realization possible. I could see the glimpse of hope sparkled in her eyes. She exclaimed with joy that she does not need to blame God anymore!
Our situations did not change. Our pasts remain as they were because they actually happened. The change came from deep within. Our hearts are changed to enable our lens to be unclouded, to see something we will never be able to see when we are filled only with our own pain. All we need is to catch a glimpse of hope, the hope that comes with knowing Jesus and we will see how our God, the Author of Life, since He Himself gives to all people life and breath and all things (Acts 17:25b), can rewrite our stories, rewrite the stars.
(Featured image: Singapore; January 2019)
His beautiful & relentless love makes a soul relentlessly beautiful.