Mirror, mirror on the wall

Is this about the beautiful but wicked Queen who was the villainess in the fairy tale, Snow White and the seven dwarfs, first published in December 1937? The one who would stand before her talking mirror to inquire, “Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?” Each time, the mirror would respond that the Queen was the fairest in the land until the day came when Snow White grew into womanhood and her beauty transcended every other woman in the kingdom. Snow White was then made the arch enemy of the Queen.

Do we have an enemy? Who is our arch enemy? What do we want to see when we look into the mirror? What do we want to hear if we have a talking mirror?

I froze. I could hardly breathe anymore. They were the familiar unkind words and phrases, familiar pitch and tone of voice, piercing through my ears, mind and heart, my soul shattered once again. It was the familiar body language, familiar actions and responses, memories buried for decades that began to gush out and flood my mind once again. I was drowned in the overwhelming load of disgust with unfortunate events caused by people who are supposed to protect and love me and they claimed so but failed and inflicted more pain to me they could ever imagine. These are the memories that haunted me all my life and time after time, I tried so hard to forgive and forget and assumed God has taken care of it, claiming 2 Corinthians 5:17 “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come.” Well, I have to clarify, I do know this is just one of the misconception we Christians can have, believing, we are perfected at the time of salvation. The good news is that our past is truly forgiven through the price that has been paid for our sins by Christ at the Cross. The bad news, however, is that the past still does affect us. If there’s any consolation, we are also given 2 Corinthians 3:18 “And we all, with unveiled face, beholding the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from one degree of glory to another. For this comes from the Lord who is the Spirit.”

It is a continuous work. Right, so I have to go through the whole process again to wallow in self-pity, soak myself in my sobbing, come to repentance to forgive my trespassers and pray for healing and deliverance. Each time, it took a toll on me and even the people around me may have to suffer in some form of my mood-swings. I am tired, exhausted emotionally, mentally, physically and spiritually-when is this going to end? Maybe it’s more like it to ask, when is Jesus coming again?

She broke down, continued to scream her lungs out and refused to talk logic. She was in pain and expressing her agony in every way she could. Death threats and ultimatums were thrown, just like how she did decades ago. I did not relent but reacted and fought back with words that were as sharp as a samurai sword could kill. In the midst of all the chaos, dealing with injustice of having to suffer as a child, her child, because of the choices she made and, guilt of having to scream my lungs out at my folks at the same time, I suddenly saw her in me.

The ground I was standing on seemed to start spinning, all the noises muffled, my lungs felt like they were squeezed, air became thin and darkness engulfed. I hated what I saw in this mirror. I hated this reflection that showed nothing but the nightmares that haunted me through the years growing up, from five year old into my teenage and adulthood and now, I have become my own nightmare. I was totally defeated. I walked away.

Days and weeks passed, I never return. I do not want to return to the mirror again. This mirror is one that I do not want to look into, one I do not have the courage to face. This talking mirror is one I do not want to have and this voice is one that I do not want to hear. Am I feeling better? No. Am I allowing time to heal so life can move on and pains can be buried away and forgotten again? I wished. Just like what King Solomon says in Ecclesiastes 1:18b “…and he who increases knowledge increases sorrow.” I walked away heavy-laden, knowing it’s not going to be just forgotten. Each day that passes feels like a year in agony. I know I have a decision to make-to allow the devil to lord over me with my past, misery and grievances or I can choose to believe, as Tim Keller said, “we’re far worse than we ever imagined, and far more loved than we could ever dream.”

I need all the courage, to firstly, stand before God, to identify my real enemy and fight this battle again. From I was wronged to I am wrong and I am loved, again.

The Serenity Prayer authored by the American theologian, Reinhold Niebuhr(1892–1971), best sums up what I need now. In its best-known form, here it goes.

“God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”

His beautiful & relentless love makes a soul relentlessly beautiful.

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